


lovesong

by adorecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 19:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adorecas/pseuds/adorecas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Cas falls, it's harder than he thought to miss his family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lovesong

After losing his grace, Cas spent much of his time with Dean and Sam, trying desperately to learn how to be human. He had watched humanity for millennia, but from a distance. Application of observation was a task Cas had yet to master.

Dean tried his hardest to teach Cas how to cook, and shoot a gun, and work on the Impala; Sam taught Cas how to use the internet and how to properly shop for groceries (Dean had taken Cas shopping once but the ex-angel had become awfully confused when Dean only bought beer, jerky, and a magazine that plastered with scantily clad women).

But the time that Cas spent in his own room at the bunker, away from the brothers who dedicated themselves to helping Cas acclimate himself to living as a human (getting dirty and needing to shower was something he still didn’t understand), that was the time he spent in silence. The time he spent aching, feeling the dark space in his chest. He felt a partial emptiness in every cell of his body, and he was pretty sure that this was no human ailment. It felt as though he was missing a set of veins, as though there were once thousands of other parts of him that roamed his vessel ( _my body_ , he mentally corrected himself) and had suddenly vanished when he had fallen. He knew, of course, that it was his grace. The molten energy given to him by God during his creation that flowed through his being, the physical manifestation of purity, angelic power, and his devotion to his father – it was missing now. Cas hadn’t thought he would feel so…empty without it. It was silence – the utter silence that resonated in his head. Sure, he could feel his blood pumping, and his heart beating, but there was a level of continuity and familiarity that he ached for. The background chatter of a thousand siblings, the muted buzz of – well – _family._ Between the stillness in his head and the emptiness in his veins, it was enough to drive him mad. His hands ruffed through his unkempt hair, subconsciously checking for his halo. He sighed heavily when he felt nothing, but not having a halo wasn’t what bothered him. Feeling the gaps in his soul where his grace had been ripped out wasn’t what bothered him. Even going without the constant chatter in his mind would be bearable, if he had a chance. If he had the ability to simply go up to Heaven, to see another angel, to converse in Enochian – anything. Anything that could tie him to family was ripped out of him, and that – knowing he couldn’t return whenever he wanted to – that was what was destroying him.

He fell back onto his bed, vaguely registering how strange it was to even have a bed of his own, his lips drawn into a grimace. The bunker was quiet, but he could hear that one of the boys was still awake in the main area. He briefly considered going to see who it was, but he knew that if it were Dean, the man would know something was up and try to play it off and teach him some other inane human task, and that if it were Sam, he’d be sat down and consoled and told to spill all of his feelings. Cas was in no mood for either.

Instead, he remained on his bed, clothed in a ragged t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He was considering just going to sleep, since that was something he had to do now. Before he had a chance to finish taking his jeans off, music came tinkling into his room from where someone was sitting in the main area. Cas looked up, sliding his jeans all the way off before sitting up on the edge of his bed to listen. It was sweet, the song, and a woman’s voice came with it, barely audible:

_Whenever I’m alone with you,_   
_You make me feel like I am home again._   
_Whenever I’m alone with you,_   
_You make me feel like I am whole again._

He listened, the lyrics hitting him hard. He thought about Dean, the way the man had sacrificed everything for him, and had taken the ex-angel under his wing and felt responsible for teaching him how to be human. Cas looked down at his arms, his chest, hands gripping air as though trying desperately to hold onto something that was no longer there. He wrapped his arms around himself, clutching at the heat building in his chest. He groaned, pushing back the feelings that he refused to let surface. Dean was his charge, his friend, and now, his teacher. Just because Dean was the most righteous human Cas had ever met, and pretty much the only one who didn’t react to him with strange looks and narrowed eyes and a fear in his heart, didn’t mean anything. Just because Dean and Sam were the closest thing Cas had to a family anymore, didn’t mean Cas was allowed to spill his emotions to Dean about how much they meant to him. He had watched Dean for years before pulling him out of Hell – he knew how many emotions Dean choked back and covered with a layer of bravado and alcohol; he didn’t think it would be acceptable to tell the man that bit by bit he was feeling more comfortable being human. It would clearly not be appropriate to walk out there and let Dean know that the woman who spoke about feeling home and whole was speaking on his behalf. That the music tinkling through the open door was drawing on Cas’ newfound depth of emotions that he was not adjusted to yet.

Cas was still sitting awkwardly on the edge of his bed, arms seized even tighter around his chest than before and staring at the ground, when someone knocked softly on his door frame.

He looked up, catching green eyes gently staring at him; the tender smile spread as the man stood there, crinkling the corners of his eyes in just the right way; the woman in the music kept singing:

_Whenever I’m alone with you,_   
_you make me feel like I am young again._   
_Whenever I’m alone with you,_   
_you make me feel like I am fun again._

“Hey Cas,” he said, pushing off the door frame and coming to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Dean,” Cas nodded, returning his gaze to the floor. He didn’t know what to make of the situation, but he didn’t feel strong enough to shake it off and be the friend Dean probably needed. Despite the gaping holes in his soul, and the dead silence in his head, he still felt as though he was supposed to be there for Dean. To be his guide and his support – his angel.

“You alright, bud?”

A hand placed itself on Cas’s shoulder, thumb swirling gently in a nonverbal reminder that Dean was listening, that Dean _wanted_ to listen. It wasn’t like this was the first time Dean had come to sit with him in the middle of the night when he could tell Cas had been off that day. As strong as a warrior as he had been, Cas had yet to master what Sam called Dean’s “poker face”, a mask that covered his emotions.

“I am fine, Dean.”

Instead of a reassuring smile, Cas simply looked up and caught Dean’s gaze, trying to keep his face stoic.

“Cas, you look like your face got frozen. I can tell you’re not okay. You wanna talk about it?”

Clearly, this poker face was harder to achieve than he had anticipated.

“I just miss my family, Dean. It’s hard not to have them so close anymore.” Cas sighed, looking away as Dean’s hand gripped a little tighter on his shoulder.

“I know how –“

“No, Dean, you don’t,” Cas interrupted him. “I was sorry to see your parents go, they were both good people. But my family – the angels – they lived inside of me. Inside my head I could hear them talk, inside my veins I could feel them living, existing, everything. It was what my grace was made of – pure love and goodness and a connection to my family through our Father. Not having that part of me anymore, a literal absence of a portion of my soul – if I even have one – it’s absolutely unbearable. It’s like…an empty library, Dean. I was teeming with knowledge, and power, and a thousand kindred souls that shared my passions and my duties. And now, it’s a bunch of broken, empty shelves that are good for nothing but gathering dust. I don’t know what to do about it…I just –“

“Cas. Castiel. Please. I might not know exactly what it means to lose your grace, or the…angel telepathy or whatever, but I do know what it means to lose your family. I’ve lost a lot of people along the way to where we are now.” By now, Dean’s hand was rubbing its way up and down Cas’ back – at some point, Dean had ended up a bit closer than Cas had thought. “But you know – you _have_ to know, man, that you do still have a family. You have Sam. You have _me._ ”

Cas shifted, an upward turn of a single corner of his lips.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Getting you back to your angel family is something we can work on in the long run, but for now – you’ve got us. You will always have us. Angel, human, whatever you are, you’re still _family_ , Cas.”

_Whenever I’m alone with you,_   
_you make me feel like I am free again._   
_Whenever I’m alone with you,_   
_you make me feel like I am clean again._

“But Dean, I ruined everything. Again. I destroyed heaven. Metatron fooled me. I…I kicked every single angel out of heaven. It’s my fault.” Dean’s arm was around Cas’ shoulders by now, their thighs brushing gently. Dean pulled the man closer, a one-armed hug that Cas barely let himself lean into.

“No, Cas. It’s not your fault. You had no idea – Metatron tricked us all. But that doesn’t matter anymore, Cas. We’ve all done terrible things, even with the best intentions. I mean –“

“You haven’t, Dean.” Cas shifted again, facing Dean on the bed, their noses only inches apart at this point. “You have _always_ done what’s right. What’s best. You mistrusted me because I betrayed you. Again, my fault.”

“But that’s in the past, now, Cas. Yeah, you fell. But you’re becoming human now, and you’re going to have to move on. Here, you can start over, man. You don’t have some sort of pre-coded angel penance to do. You can have a clean slate. You can be free, and learn how to live like a human with us. With me.”

Cas groaned inwardly at the way Dean’s voice and words were beginning to fill the empty spaces in his veins. The way each time Dean said his name, he felt an inward pull on parts of his body he didn’t know what to do with yet. Sure, he had always felt a different sort of bond with Dean, but it was always second to his duty. But what now? Did he still have a duty? Was he allowed to think other things? He sighed softly, letting Dean’s senseless mutterings and assurances wash over him. He knew he was supposed to respond – that was proper human etiquette for conversations. But he had fallen silent and stayed that way. He didn’t know what words Dean was still saying, but they were very close to his ear and he allowed each one to move past his brain and into his body, where they were slowly filling him with warmth and some other emotion he wasn’t sure about yet – he would figure that out later. He leaned forwardly slightly, squeezing his eyes shut against the world, wanting only to _feel_ everything Dean was saying. He felt Dean’s hand on the back of his head, and suddenly his forehead was on Dean’s shoulder, and the hunter’s hands were on his back, keeping him close and encircling him, protecting him. Some small part of Cas’ mind mentally kicked himself, because _he_ was the one who was supposed to be protecting _Dean_. Instead, he tuned back into what Dean was saying, catching only “…love you.”

“What?”

“Nothing, Cas.”

The hunter hummed softly, matching the tune of the music still making its way into the room. Cas turned his head to face Dean’s neck, his breathing hitching at the scent of musk and gun powder. Dean simply pulled the ex-angel even closer, his hands rubbing their way up and down his back, somehow encouraging the empty gashes where his grace had been to slowly close. The music was dying away on the last verse, but Cas could still discern the words:

_However far away, I will always love you_   
_However long I stay, I will always love you_   
_Whatever words I say, I will always love you_

A tiny part of Cas knew what Dean had said, but he settled for feeling Dean sigh against his head, feeling the man press his lips against the place where a halo had once sat, feeling the heartbeat of someone he could still call family.


End file.
